If your child gets into a fight at recess or says something unkind to another student or the teacher, don’t panic. The first step is to work with school administrators and teachers to determine the underlying cause of your child’s behavior. Then, you’ll be able to involve them in the process of developing a behavior plan that addresses their needs.
Establish Regular Communication
If your child’s misbehavior is an isolated incident, monitor their progress for a few days to make sure it gets better. However, if your child is getting in trouble at school often, it might be helpful to establish daily communication with their teacher or a school administrator.
Devise a Monitoring System
Contact your child’s teacher to discuss how you can work together to address your child’s behavior. This includes discussing how you can monitor your child’s behavior daily. For example, you might create a journal or daily report card that keeps you informed and allows you to address misbehavior quickly.
Decide How to Communicate
Teachers often have a preferred method for parent communication. For example, some teachers will record colored smiley faces (green, yellow, or red) to track a child’s behavior throughout the day, while others prefer to write a quick note.
Communicate Frequently
Ask your child’s teacher to send home behavior updates every day—not just on the days when your child misbehaves. Kids feel good when they can show you they’ve done well at school. When they have days that don’t go well, you can work together to come up with ways to make the next day better.
Work As a Team
Let your child’s teacher know you want to support them. Staying flexible will help show them that you are keeping their needs in mind too.
Reward Desirable Behavior
Establish positive consequences to reinforce the behavior you want to see. For example, praise your child when you receive favorable reports from teachers. Celebrating these successes will motivate your child to continue working on their behavior. To provide more incentive to do well, set daily or weekly goals, and reward your child when they reach them. For example, if your child goes three days in a row without any disciplinary action at school, celebrate by cooking their favorite dinner. Remember that rewards don’t need to cost money. You can link your child’s positive behavior to privileges, such as video game time. Larger rewards every week (like a trip to the park) can help keep your child motivated.
Problem-Solve With Your Child
On the days when your child has a hard time managing their behavior, problem-solve with them about how they can do better the next day. For example, ask your child what happened and tell them you want to help them do better tomorrow.
Stay Calm
Calmly talk with your child and ask for their input about what would be helpful. Using a problem-solving approach can make them more willing to talk about how they feel.
Ask About What They’re Working On
Sometimes, kids can clearly explain the reason for their behavior. For instance, your child might be disrupting class because they’re bored. The solution might be asking your child’s teacher to provide them with more challenging assignments.
See If They Need Extra Support
Misbehavior can also stem from not knowing how to do the work. Kids sometimes decide they would rather appear “bad” than “stupid.” They might act out rather than ask for help to avoid being teased by classmates.
Let Your Child Express Their Feelings
According to the National Association of School Psychologists (NASP), children often won’t talk about their concerns because they are confused or don’t want to worry their parents. Reassure your child that talking can be helpful, especially if they have questions or worries. Here are some ideas for talking with your kids:
Encourage Them to Share Their Feelings
Give your child space to talk about how they feel and why—even if their statements don’t make sense or their thoughts are jumbled. The important thing is that they are expressing themselves.
Provide Reassurance
Once they are done sharing, reaffirm that it’s OK to feel upset, but reassure them that they are safe. You may want to share ideas on how you deal with stress and anxiety. Then, work together to find a solution that fits their needs.
Give Them Choices
Kids become empowered when they feel like they have some control over their lives. Likewise, having a sense of agency can reduce fear. Be compassionate about the challenges your child is facing and find ways to give them some control in their lives, such as letting them decide what to pack in their lunch or which clothes to wear.
Avoid Pressure
However, if your child isn’t ready or willing to talk, don’t pressure them. Instead, the next time your child has a day that goes well, ask them what they did and how things went to help them become more aware of what worked. This can give you both valuable insight that you can use to encourage your child on not-so-easy days.
A Word From Verywell
Any child can have behavioral concerns at any time, especially if they are experiencing a stressor or life change. It’s important to reach out to your child’s teachers and school administrators to ask what you can do to help. The school psychologist or counselor might also be able to offer new ideas and solutions. Reaching out to other parents for commiseration and advice can also be helpful, not just in terms of coming up with solutions for your child but to give you support as well. If you think your child’s behavior could be stemming from an undiagnosed condition like a learning disability or anxiety, make sure to involve their pediatrician.
